Ambiguous Rant

I wonder what is the right way to approach this.

I mean, it has been a long time since I've done something like this and I feel slightly lost. Your mind suggests on course of action, your body acts on its own. This is usually followed by a 'did I just do that moment'.

Sometimes I wish for the ability to mind read, it would make everything so much simpler. Not that it should be difficult in the first place. But if you are good at hide-and-seek, you will never be found.

Many things stimulate my thoughts now. Stop being weak. I enjoy being weak? Hold it in, don't say it. Later. Later. Later.

Paper is due, three exams. Future? Where am I going to end up? How am I going to end up? Why do I even worry?

I haven't done this in a while.

Ambiguous post is ambiguous.

Back in 2009

After a long hiatus I've decided to start up this blog again. I guess I just really need at least one type of creative expression in my life. I get the feeling that typing things out helps me organize my thoughts...

Well! It's a new year at school again, and boy, has there been changes. I believe that I'm at the point of my life where something just 'clicks'. This year has really been different for me, goals have appeared in front of me and I've started to follow them. Everyday feels like it has been properly used.

Except for today.

I've actually just finished a week of midterms. I'm happy to say that they went well. The problem is my next two midterms are three weeks away. This leaves me in a limbo-like state, where I don't want to start studying again, yet feel bad that I am not.

So I've basically been a lazy turd all weekend.

That aside, I hope that I can stick to this blog more than my previous years.

...

Just finished an exam. Not feeling too well about it. The thing that just pisses me off the most is when I specifically highlight something, even writing it down in my notes, yet when I comes to the exam, I'm like: "What the hell does this mean?".

ENTRAINMENT <- GOD DAMN, I WILL REMEMBER YOU FOREVER NOW. Seriously. Three marks gone right there.

Please don't think I'm that angry over three marks, the above is just an example of the worst mistake I made today. Yes. There are more. But, frankly I don't wanna write about them.

On the bright side, the last time I was so sure I bombed a test, I ended up with a 75. This confuses me, because as I remember it, I left out a whole question worth 11 makes. The whole paper was only worth 50...Maybe the person marking my test found a hot chick in a dress made of one hundred dollar bills and holding a cake when they woke up in the morning.

I still have one more exam to go, which is next week. Then its off to HK again for the Christmas holidays.

My week as a volunteer in 绵竹

Yesterday I returned from my volunteer work in 绵竹, 九龙村. The experience was eye opening and has deeply affected me in many ways. During my stay there I acted as the homeroom teacher for grade three, additionally I also taught English and Music to other classes.

Firstly a bit of a history/geography lesson. The area that I visited is a two hour drive from 成都, the capital of 四川. Instead of working in the city, most of my work was in the country side; an area that was greatly effected by the quake. During rescue efforts the mayor of 绵竹 thought it was a great idea to let rescue workers think that the village was self sufficient. Bad choice. Because of his actions, many people that would have otherwise been saved died under the rubble. The mayor apparently quit his job soon after. The country side itself is stunningly beautiful, wide open fields with a thunderous mountain range in the distance. It is a place where time simply stops and you stand still feeling the cool wind in your face. The school that I taught at was 红心学校 or Red Heart School, one of the first tent schools to be built after the disaster.

I arrived on a humid Sunday afternoon expecting to see a lot of teachers. I met one. His name was Mr. Luo, a grad student from the Peking University currently studying computer science. He informed me that all the teachers except himself had gone to 成都 for a little break and he had opted to stay behind to take care of the school. Later I would learn that Mr. Luo was and still is an amazing teacher, all his energy is focused in to the children. He would sometimes leave for house visits in the afternoon only to come back late at night, sometimes even after dinner (this somehow became a running joke of how he would bring back breakfast). Compared to him most of us volunteers there (myself included) have not done enough. Learning that I had not had lunch yet we ate together. One bowl of instant noodles between the both of us, I knew times would be tough.

Later in the day I was taken to the tent where I would sleep for the week. Our tent was a simple green tent that could fit aroun 8-10 people if we tried, the beds were merely wooden boards. Every night when I would want to flip, it would hurt as wood hit bone. This was still bearable however, for most of the week the weather was rather humid. This meant that our clothes couldn't dry, our pillows were wet and mold started to creep into our belongings. The hardships aside I had a lot of fun in those tents, every night we would sing songs and pray to the Lord. Many of the conversations that we had in the tent I will never forget.

Around 4 in the afternoon the other teachers came back from their break. I met with: Ms. Guo, a recent graduate from Peking University, Ms. Sun who was in her fourth year at university, Mr. Li doing his graduate at Peking University, Xiao Xiao who was in his second year of high school and Chen hao a university student at Chongqing University. All of the teachers and I hit off to a great start, one of the teachers that arrived a few days later that me was surprised that I was new too, she said we all looked like old friends. That night we had our first meeting, the first of many. We planned what lessons would be taught the next day for each and every class. I volunteered to teach five classes for the day (the maximum amount, which I later found was a very tiring affair). Also during the meeting we decided who would cook breakfast the next day, I decided to volunteer with Tingting (aka Ms. Guo).

So, the next morning I work up at 5:45 to get everything ready, looked in the kitchen to find that we only had, potatoes, tomatoes, onions, garlic, noodles and a variety of sauces. We decided to make tomato soup noodles and friend potatoes. I made the potatoes which was a mixture of potatoes, garlic, onions, soy sauce, salt and msg. It turned out to be pretty popular at the breakfast table. Around 7:30 a lot of the kids had already started arriving at the school, they crowded around the teachers, their eyes filled with life asking "What are you eating?", "What are we learning today?". I could only smile.

And so throughout the week I taught the children English and music. My JH (Junior High) class were an interesting bunch of kids. Firstly many of them looked like they were way beyond the young age of 13-15. I later found out there were some 16-18 year old people there. In the class there were some boys who were known as the trouble makers of the class. Previously they had brought a knife to school and were promptly expelled for it, recently after pleading to be allowed back they joined us again. I found through talking to each one individually that they were all good kids, it was just that they had lost a lot due to the earthquake...the bad behavior was just a way to channel all that energy. Due to their age range most of the kids are developing feelings for the opposite sex, it was easy to tell as they enjoyed my English lesson on 'How to ask someone to the dance" but at the same time were extremely embarrassed about it. I also suggested we learn some salsa, which earned approval from the girls. The boys rejected the idea at first but slowly, one by one decided to join in the dance. It was great to see the boys and the girls having fun together, not always arguing and hitting each other. Music class was also a very good experience, the children loved singing, hearing their voices together brought a smile to my heart. Sometimes even the villagers would come and sing along with us.

However my deepest and best memories lie with my third grade class. I glad I got to know and understand every single one of them. Being a homeroom teacher gives you a lot more responsibility to handle. Unlike being a normal teacher going from class to class, you spend more time with your homeroom class. I loved teaching this class as they would always welcome me with their laughter or come find me during recess saying "Teacher come play with us!". What touched me most was going to their houses for home visits. All of the children in my class lived in tents as their homes were destroyed by the earthquake, many children have even lost family members. When I arrived at the homes the children's families would greet me with huge smilies, the amount of gratitude that these families had for us teachers was at times hard to handle. I would sometimes cry after leaving their houses. Every single visit was filled with a sad story, one little girl's father died before she was born, when she was two years old her mother passed away as well. The little girl now lives with her grandma, but during the earthquake her grandma broke her leg. Now this eight year old girl must cook, clean, take care of her grandma and go to school. Hearing stories like these really makes you think about the extravagant, wasteful lives that we lead. I couldn't even accept the water they gave me saying "You need it more that I do".

Despite the hard times I've made a lot of great friends on this trip, all the teachers I've met have been extremely supportive of each other. Every night when having dinner we would laugh so hard that we could not eat and even though some times the food was not enough, the good company made it taste that much better. During the night we would sing songs and dance and generally have a great time together.

I thank the Lord for giving me this chance.

It's a hot sweaty day...

I'm actually extremely bored at home right now. Could have gone watch Hancock with some friends...too bad I already saw it last week. So I've stayed at home for most of the day, not doing very much at all.

This saturday I'm leaving for Sichuan, which has recently become very famous due to the earthquake there. No, that was not an attempt to make a funny out of something that is not. I'm actually going there for some volunteer work.

It seems that a few people have created a small set of 'tent' schools there. Since its summer I'm guessing that its more like a summer camp for the kids. Currently I believe I'm going there just to teach English, however theres probably a lot more that I'll need to do. Most of the children there have experienced intense scaring events, some even losing their parents. Counseling will be a very important step to recovery, I'm happy to be a part of that step.

I don't really have a full plan at the moment, but I do have little guide lines that I want to follow. Teaching the kids through games and songs, helping them accept what has happened or just being there if they want to talk. Its all part of my agenda.

So for a week or so I'm going to be living in a tent with just the basic necessities of life. That means no running water, not heat and no electricity either. All those put together make a very interesting situation, but nevertheless fun. I'm pretty sure I can handle it...however I will most defiantly be getting a nice burger when I get back.

Theres also an element of danger! A recent article from Nature writes about the dangers of aftershocks that occur a long time the main quake. The areas marked on the map they provided are at the highest risk, with the place I'm going...right smack in the middle. I could die in an aftershock!

At least if I do, I was doing something meaningful. I'm pretty nervous.

Girls are quite psycho

So my friend Vik tells me all the time, "Dude, girls are psychos!". I usually shrug him off by saying "Only the ones you know", some kind of physical abuse aimed towards me follows. Truthfully I never really believed him, I don't know any psycho women...It couldn't happen to me right?

Wrong.

I currently have the hots for a girl...who happens to be my ex-girlfriend's best friend. Couldn't have picked a better scenario eh? Those two being best friends and such, have the awesome habit of telling each other everything (this itself is not wrong, as I tell my best friends everything too). So obviously my ex finds out about the two times I've been with this girl.

Thanks to a wonderful friend (who will remain un-named) who managed to talk to my ex. I now know that shes quite jealous of her best friend now and possibly hates my guts. I know it probably stings a bit when your ex now likes your best friend, but you don't need to talk shit about him.

From what I know, she ripped me a new one with her words. Shes crazy! I never said anything bad about my ex when we broke up, we just didn't work out together...How did I suddenly become the bad guy?

Oh wait.

When I started liking her best friend.

Is that such a crime? A girls jealousy is a scary thing my friends, especially when exaggeration sets in. Didn't think she would be like this, then again she put on a image for me. What I want to do is ask her this: "How can you blame me for treating YOU wrong, when you never showed me the real YOU".

Who knows, she may even tell her best friend crap about me. Now that would be really messed up.

What to do?

The title of this post is a question that I have to ask myself almost everyday. It starts off as a grand list of doing work or something productive, that soon withers down to me sitting down in front of the TV and playing Wii.

In my parents eyes summer = go do something productive. I tend to disagree. I just want to do what I want everyday with out someone telling me what to do. I'm guessing that living alone has greatly influenced my current thinking. Therefore everyday I have my parents telling me to do something, get a job, go do community service, get off the computer!

All of those are good suggestions and I'm probably just lazy. Then again those words are really easy to say but not so easy to carry out (well some of them). How am I going to get a job in HK that benefits my chosen field without a degree first? Seems slightly impossible for me. Sure I could grab some part time job, it doesn't do anything for me in the long run. I probably need a resume too...gotta get working on that.

I also have a few books piled up here, most of them fall in to the 'self-help' category that my dad loves to buy. I wonder if he read any of them, they look like they haven't been open in years. Especially 'Rich dad, poor dad', I've been avoiding that book like the plague for over 6 years. I believe that concepts don't make sense to me because I've still to receive my first paycheck. How can that book help me when I'm not even at that stage of life yet? I'm sure the book will be more helpful later on in life.

All the talk aside I still need to find something to do. Maybe tomorrow I'll go to the library and sit there reading comics...pick up a new novel is what I mean.